Soufian on Intimacy, Shame, and Love Letters to the Body
Talking about sexuality — especially female sexuality — is often done by women. But where are the men who speak about their sexual experiences from a vulnerable, honest perspective? In this edition of Sensual Voices, Team Aia* speaks with Soufian: a 33-year-old father and an open-hearted thinker who doesn’t shy away from taboo. From clitoris to consent, and Trijntje Oosterhuis to lube — this is an unfiltered, intimate conversation.
“So… are we going to talk about the clitoris or what?”
Soufian laughs. “You really like to get straight to the point. To me, the clitoris has always felt like something deeply sensual and intimate — but also light-hearted. It’s an extension of hand-holding, kissing, touching a woman. As a teenager, I was curious and explored — you know, those old porn magazines. But since becoming a father to a daughter, the word 'clitoris' means something completely different. I’m now teaching her how to protect herself, to understand her body, and to set boundaries.”
Teaching Consent at Home
“We’ve taught our daughter to refer to her vulva as her ‘puni’. As parents, you’re forced to think about the safest language for your child, especially in a world where sexual violence exists. We explain to her: no one is allowed to touch her puni. It’s her body, and she decides what happens to it. Not just her vulva — but her whole body. We consciously avoid words like ‘private parts’ or ‘shame area’. There’s nothing shameful about your body.”
A Male Perspective on Sexuality
“I talk openly about sexuality and I’ve always had a pretty free spirit,” Soufian says. “In most relationships, I was the more open-minded one. It’s not just about sex — it’s about freedom. If I were with someone for 50 years and they slept with someone else once… would that really be a dealbreaker? I’m not sure. Sexuality is something to explore, and it doesn’t always need to be bound to your relationship.”
Monogamy, Intimacy, and the Shame Factor
“If I entered a relationship now, I’d do it differently. I’d communicate more openly from the start. I believe love and sexuality can coexist in many forms. Monogamy is a social construct — and communication is the key to navigating that.”
Soufian reflects on the emotional layers of sex: “For me, sexuality is about pleasure, but also about shame and fear. For a long time, I didn’t talk about my desires — not with partners, and definitely not with friends. Sex wasn’t something I felt comfortable discussing. It was personal, almost sacred. There’s a triangle of pleasure, shame, and fear — and in the center is the question: how can I make myself happy?”
Redefining Intimacy
He pulls out his phone and reads a lyric from the Dutch song “Ken je mij” by Trijntje Oosterhuis:
“Am I the only one
In front of whom nothing is hidden?
Can you bear it, when no one else can,
That I am not bright, not warm,
That I have only this face,
No other?”
“It’s about divine love, but also the essence of intimacy: being seen and loved for exactly who you are. That’s what I have with my daughter too — that pure, honest connection.”
Let’s Talk About Lube
“I almost always had lubricant at home when I was single. It’s a game-changer,” he grins. “Sometimes I want soft, romantic vibes — oils, candles — and other times, it can get a bit rough. I’ve used it with partners who experienced vaginismus, and also during anal sex. I’m circumcised and have sensitive skin, so lube prevents friction and discomfort. Trust me — a tiny tear is no joke.”
Present-Moment Pleasure
“I prefer having sex with someone who’s sober. I want to be present, to feel everything. If someone’s under the influence, it just doesn’t feel the same. I want sex to be intentional — not a blur.”
The Takeaway
Soufian shrugs and smiles: “Sexuality? I just want to make something beautiful out of it — with beautiful people.”